The Journey to Self Authored - letting go of the need for approval
Joseph Campbell “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are”
“Being who you are” – not far into my leadership journey this brought me up short. Mmmm….To what extent did I even know who I was and what I stood for? To what extent was I clear about what I wanted to achieve? To what extent was the life I was living actually reflective of my true self? What demons held me back from fully embracing all that I was? … All valid questions that were starting to knock at my door and required an answer. Put another way, as I have now come to understand it, these emerging questions were part of my own transition into what Kegan refers to as the ‘Self Authored’ stage of adult development. A stage of development that represents the ‘target’ for healthy adult development in the western culture - a stage where authority is found and the adult determines the rules and regulations rather than looking to society / parents / friends to determine these for her/himself.
People who are self-authored don’t just know who they are, what they want and how to get it – being self-authored describes a stage of development where an adult not only resists the emotional pull of others’ expectations and needs but does so whilst remaining connected and considerate of others’ feelings. At this stage of adulthood, we are no longer emotionally hijacked by others’ needs, nor do we simply disconnect from others’ feelings in order to get something done.
Gervase Bushe in his book ‘Clear Leadership’ describes this as an important continuum of interpersonal behaviour. At one extreme there is too much closeness (fusion) where a human being can lose themselves in others - their thoughts and feelings are simply reactions to what others say and do. At the other extreme is too much separation (disconnection), where a human being displays no awareness of others, no sense of what others think, feel or want and no curiosity about them. At this extreme their actions take only their own thoughts and needs into account. Neither end of this continuum is healthy - such responses result from being either too invested in others feelings – or not invested enough. Part of the journey towards being self-authored is about navigating this continuum.
Bushe says that for the most part our natural responses are unconscious and we typically act at one or other end of the continuum. When we are ‘fused’ we make the other responsible for our experience and additionally we feel myself responsible for another’s experience. When we are ‘disconnected’ we may think we are being professional (and this has traditionally been valued in western culture) but it is a deadly way of being for collaborative working.
So, when a person is self authored they;
1. know what their experience is – they are aware of the choices they are making; they own them and stand by them;
2. know they are responsible for their own feelings and actions and the impact others have on them;
3. openly seek to understand the experience others are having; noticing when they are making up stories to fill gaps in their knowledge and they ask questions to get more information. They want to know the impact they are having on others and communicate their need to know the truth of their experience. They listen dispassionately without judgment.
4. are clear about their scope of authority, what they are responsible for. They are clear about the decisions they make and clear about issues that are up or not for debate.
5. are clear about the basis of their actions and describe that to others. They are not overwhelmed or controlled by emotion or unconscious motivations.
If a tendency to fuse is our natural response then to fully inhabit the self-authored space more consistently we need to notice when we do ‘fuse’ with others and start to allow others’ their experiences without taking responsibility for them; we need to resist the opinions and desires of others – resisting the urge to be drawn to them and instead weighing them up objectively against our own desires. We then create our own system of rules and regulations – our internal compass on which to make our decisions.
If our tendency is to disconnect then we need to work hard to tune in emotionally to others and build an empathy muscle by practising authentic connection. We need to let go of some unhelpful behaviours; letting go of our need to be right, letting go of the need in having the last word – letting go of the need to defend our actions. And we need to establish new ones; active listening, catching people doing things right and saying thank you, sharing information and being more open, practising humility.
Becoming ‘Self Authored’ is a part of our lifelong journey and not all adults choose to undertake the hard work required to fully inhabit this stage of development. Almost everyone is able to be self-authored in some interactions – the less invested we are in a relationship, the easier it is but all of us have some relationships where this is very difficult – typically our most intimate and particularly those in our families. With conscious effort and a strong intention we develop our ability to be self-authored across all our relationships. The rewards are high; it offers peace, freedom, creativity and offers new depth to our ability to truly engage others. Leaders operating at this stage of adult development can sustain real collaboration and partnership – critical capabilities which adults need to master in order to thrive in our fast-paced inter connected world.
Brigid Garvey
January 2019